


drifting when it’s lost (i never knew what i had)

by iamliterallyahotpocket



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: (sorry im not a doctor), Albums, Car Accidents, Daehyun is Babey, Disassociation, Dongho and Minsoo have Trauma Sharing Hours, Fans, Flowers, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia (mentioned), Jaewon is a Sweetheart with a Bad Reputation, Lee Minsoo Is Not Vibing, Lee Minsung Is Trying To Help, Lots of Crying, Medical Inaccuracies, Memorials, Minsoo is Trying His Best, Moving Out, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Prescription Medication (mentioned), Protective Dongho, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed, Suicide, Wakes & Funerals, auditions, i do not make the rules, livestream, mayniacs are sweethearts, moving boxes, no beta we die like Major Characters, stalker fans, this hurts :D, very little comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27074869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamliterallyahotpocket/pseuds/iamliterallyahotpocket
Summary: At what point can you stop calling yourself a bad leader and just accept that fate isn’t on your side?
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo, Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo
Comments: 13
Kudos: 42





	1. minus one

**Author's Note:**

> Who needs an update schedule when you can just go bonkers in your wattpad drafts

One in the morning is far too early to be woken up by a phone ringing. Minsoo’s fine with staying up late, but waking up at anytime before 8 am? Without coffee? That’s an issue. Even worse: it’s his phone that’s ringing, which means this is a company call.

Groaning, he clambers down the bunk ladder, Dongho sitting up from his bottom bunk after being woken by the blaring alarm that Minsoo set company phone numbers to.

It’s Manager Park. Minsoo picks his phone up off the desk and sighs.

“Aish, why are you calling me at one in the morning?”

“This is serious, Minsoo.”

Minsoo frowns, and steps out of the room he shares with Dongho to walk to the kitchen.

“Okay... what’s going on?”

“Did you realize that Jaewon never came home?”

“...no.”

He can see Daehyun and Dongho poking their heads out of their bedrooms, Daehyun murmuring something to Dongho. From how panicked he looks, Minsoo assumes that Daehyun has, in fact, realized that Jaewon is missing.

“This is... about Jaewon, I’m assuming,” Minsoo says slowly, perching himself on the kitchen counter.

“Yes.”

“Another scandal? Did he get arrested or-“

“Minsoo. Please just listen for now.”

“Oh? Ok, I’m listening.”

“This...it’s not good news.”

“Jaewon’s coming back though, right?”

There’s an uncomfortable silence. Minsoo can feel the other’s eyes burning holes into his head.

“He’ll be back tomorrow, at least?”

“He’s not coming back.”

“He better! We have a comeback in two weeks, it’s too late to-“

“Minsoo. I don’t know how to tell you this, really. Jaewon... he committed suicide.”

The blood drains from Minsoo’s face. “Jaewon wouldn’t do that.” He knows the words coming out of his mouth aren’t true. It’s more to convince himself than anything, really. He’s seen how Jaewon gets after a new scandal comes out, how he’ll pretend everything’s fine but then cry in the company bathrooms when he thinks nobody’s there. Or how his smiles are always fake, never reaching his eyes. The way he’ll spend the whole day in bed, too tired to do anything else on their free days. Really, Minsoo should have seen the signs.

Daehyun took a tentative step forward, closer to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry Minsoo. He wasn’t in any pain, if that makes it better.”

“How do you know? Did he tell you himself?” Minsoo knows he’s raising his voice, he knows that Daehyun’s stopped his careful steps closer and that Dongho has a hand on Dae’s shoulder, pulling him back.

“I’m just assuming so.”

“Well how can you assume? What’d Jaewon do, anyway?”

The manager sighs. “I’m not supposed to tell you, but I know you’ll bug me about it anyway. Jaewon overdosed on sleeping pills. There’s no signs of physical harm of any form.”

“Oh.” Sleeping pills. Probably the same ones Jaewon had been prescribed a few months ago to help with his newly-developed insomnia. Minsoo can feel a ball of guilt burrowing into his gut. “Thank you for letting me know. I’m assuming I should tell the others?”

“Yes. It’s either that or let them find out at the meeting tomorrow.”

“Ah. I assume we’ll see you then?”

“I’ll be picking you up at 9. Try and get some sleep, okay?”

“Will do.”

He hangs up abruptly, and sets down his phone the kitchen counter.

“Hyung, what’s going on?” Daehyun’s never looked this worried.

“We’re having a meeting at the company tomorrow morning. Manager Park’s picking us up at 9.”

Dongho sighs, grabs Daehyun’s arm, and pulls the blond behind him into the kitchen. “You sound like a robot. Are you gonna tell us what’s up with Jaewon?”

“I- yes. I’m supposed to, anyway.”

“It’s not good news, is it.”

Minsoo shakes his head. “Let’s sit on the couch, at least.”

Dongho and Daehyun glance at each other before nodding and turning to the living room. Minsoo trails behind them. He’s trying to gauge what their reactions will be, to plan out the proper response to whatever happens. He’s the leader, after all. He’s supposed to know what to do.

It’s his fault if any of them get hurt. He’s supposed to protect them.

He sits on the coffee table, facing the other two. Their knees are bumping together, and Minsoo can’t stop shaking his leg.

“Jaewon... as you might have noticed, isn’t in the apartment.”

Daehyun nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! His backpack’s missing too, but his phone’s charging on the desk still.”

“Oh. That’s... unexpected.”

“He ran away or something, right? It’s not that weird to leave your phone,” Dongho interjects.

“Yeah, it is! You aren’t going to bring enough money to buy another phone, are you?”

“I mean-“

“Please stop talking. It’s one in the morning, we have to be up and dressed for a company meeting by nine, and I’m trying to tell you what actually is going on.”

Dongho glares at Minsoo. “Just say it, then.”

“He...” Minsoo doesn’t want to say it. It’s almost as if saying it will make it real.

“He.... left the group?”

“No, Dae. Manager Park called to let me know that Jaewon...” Minsoo can feel a lump forming in his throat as he struggles to blink back tears. “...he killed himself.” _it isn’t fake. he’s actually gone._

“What?” God, Daehyun sounds so broken it hurts.

“He’s gone.”

Before Minsoo can fully process what’s happening, Dongho’s pulled both of them into a hug. Daehyun’s sobbing now, face buried in Dongho’s shoulder, and Minsoo wishes he could do so as well.

But he’s the leader. He has to be calm and stoic, he’s supposed to be the one to guide the others through tough times. Minsoo chokes down his tears and instead grabs Daehyun’s hand, gently running his thumb across the calloused skin on Dae’s palm.

Dongho’s running his fingers through Dae’s hair, the other arm wrapped around Minsoo. The couch is too small to fit all three of them properly. Minsoo’s half in his lap, as is Daehyun. He can’t ask them to move now, though.

They stayed curled on top of each other on the sofa for what felt like hours, until Daehyun starts yawning, tears still spilling down his cheeks.

“You’re staying in our room, Dae.” Dongho scoops up the youngest easily, Daehyun too tired to protest.

Minsoo pads behind them to the bedroom, grabbing his phone off the kitchen counter on his way there and plugging it back in on his desk.

When he turns around, Daehyun’s squished himself against the wall, face still buried in Dongho’s shoulder. Dongho’s comforter is already pulled up over the two of them, but he holds the corner up again.

“C’mon. It’s more comfortable down here.”

Minsoo smiles sadly as he scoots under the covers. His head ends up resting on Dongho’s chest, arm flung over towards Daehyun. Half asleep, Daehyun grabs his hand.

MAYHEM shouldn’t be able to fit on the bottom bunk of a twin bed together. They’re supposed to be four.

Dongho runs his fingers through Minsoo’s hair. “Go to sleep, Soo.”

Minsoo wishes they were doing this under different circumstances, ones where Jaewon’s sandwiched in between them (because cuddling is something Jaewon likes. liked.) and they’ve got a bed big enough for all four of them to fit.

But Minsoo’s too tired to fight back.


	2. then there were three

They all deal with the grief differently.

Daehyun can’t bottle up emotions, even more so when it comes to people he’s close to, people like Jaewon. He’s slept in Minsoo and Dongho’s room every night so far, and it’s nearly impossible for him to step foot into his (and Jaewon’s) room without crying. It’s rare for the youngest to not be crying nowadays, the littlest things setting him off.

Dongho was, for the longest time, nearly emotionless. He’d get teary-eyed, sure, but he never really cried. And then they had a meeting- one amongst many in that week- and the managers wanted to go over the official police report. He stayed just as stoney-faced as ever throughout the meeting but when they got home, he sobbed. He sobbed because Jaewon, his bandmate- no, his friend- had been pronounced dead the moment the paramedics found him, he’d died in his sleep by himself in a hotel room, and all he had left was a note; a note in which the first line was ‘I’m sorry’ and had three silver chains enclosed: necklaces, the fourth around Jaewon’s neck.

Minsoo couldn’t cry. He had to be the leader, the decision maker, the one who would argue with the company to give them a little more slack because for fuck’s sake, they just lost Jaewon. All the energy he has- from being upset at the people who drove Jaewon to make the choice he did, to the restless feeling of being lost- gets turned around and flipped into something else, something hyper and far too cheerful for a leader who just lost one of his bandmates.

———

MAYHEM- most of the group, at least- has been subjected to back-to-back-to-back meetings for three days straight, all of them discussions on where to go from here.

They had a comeback planned for two weeks from now. The CEO wants to cancel it, to wait until they can comeback for real as just three. Daehyun sniffles, already on the verge of tears. Dongho stares at him, blank face growing just a touch angrier, and Minsoo jolts out of his chair and yells because how dare he even think of getting rid of Jaewon just like that.

By the end of that meeting, the comeback is still on- without performances. They’re allowed to head to the break room for a while before the next meeting, and Dae crashes into Dongho’s lap the moment the older sits on the couch.

Minsoo sits to the side of them, fidgeting with the slim chain around his neck. There’s a small pendant on his, a minuscule silvery-white gem embedded in the flat circle of metal. Dongho’s and Daehyun’s have similar pendants, with black and yellow gems, respectively.

Jaewon’s has a smokey greyish-blue diamond, to everyone’s surprise. He explained it in the note, briefly. Some dream of dyeing his hair in their bathroom, a color that he actually wants. Blue fits him better anyway, he wrote. Less passion.

A hand grabs Minsoo’s. It’s Dongho. While Minsoo’s been dealing with the company, taking phone calls even when they’re back at the dorm, Dongho’s been the one holding Daehyun together. They’ve talked about it, one time when Daehyun had cried himself to sleep at 2pm and then it was just them again, Dongho and Minsoo.

Dongho gets Minsoo in a way nobody else does. They’ve know each other for years, ever since Dongho joined the company and then Minsoo wasn’t the lone trainee. They both hear what some of the staff say, whispers about how Minsoo doesn’t care, how Dongho doesn’t either. They both know better than to believe it. After all, Dongho spilled everything to him, all about how Jaewon had a stalker in his apartment and how Dongho brought the younger to his place and woke him up in the middle of a nightmare because-

“God, he wouldn’t stop shaking. He was just so small, and- if i had known anything, I wouldn’t have just let him pretend he was okay!”

“What would you have done, then?”

“I dunno, get him on my bed somehow? Maybe we would have ended up being closer.”

Words are left unsaid, but it doesn’t take much to read between the lines. _If we were closer, maybe he wouldn’t be dead._

Minsoo rants. He rants about how angry he is that nobody- not the hotel clerk, not the taxi driver, nobody- who interacted with Jaewon that night bothered to ask if he was okay, and he knows he can’t blame them, but who else is there to blame? He rants about how there’s so much expected of him by the company, how he’s terrified that if he crys or even raises his voice too much they’ll give his leader position to Dongho.

“You fit the leader role better than I do.”

“Who said leaders have to be tall?”

“I dunno, someone on Twitter.”

That’s all Dongho has to hear. He knew Minsoo was keeping tabs on how the fans were handling this, how the media was handling this, and it was only natural that he found some hate comments. He shouldn’t be believing them, though.

They drifted into a comfortable silence afterward, Daehyun still passed out on the sofa holding one of Dongho’s cat plushies (gifts from fansigns), and slowly Minsoo drifted to sit between Dongho’s legs, reclining against the older’s chest where he eventually fell asleep.

———

When they reach the next meeting, Daehyun has tried his best to clean himself up a bit but his eyes give him away, still red and puffy after days of crying.

This is a very odd meeting, though. The CEO and most of the staff aren’t present, and instead there are a number of people who Minsoo can only assume are police. A lady nods at them when they walk into the room, and pulls out a sheet of paper from one of her files.

Apparently, it’s a list of questions, all pertaining to Jaewon’s reputation and the truth behind it. Dongho’s the first to answer most of them, explaining how the redhead told him that the first few were misunderstandings. Daehyun mentions a moment, one where Jaewon pushed away a girl who kissed him, but refuses to elaborate beyond that when questioned further. Minsoo gives all the info he has: Jaewon’s personality just doesn’t line up with everything else.

Eventually, the questions and responses all sound the same and finally the lady lets them leave and trek down to the lobby, where they can sit and peer out the wall of glass for their van to pull up.

Outside, on the front steps, fans have left flowers, hundreds of cherry red roses staining the grey sidewalk a bright, bloody crimson. There are a few fans leaving more as the three take a seat in the back corner of the room.

The press and paparazzi choose to stand across the street, to take photos of the High Class building with the hundreds of roses in front of it. When MAYHEM do emerge, they snap photos of the three, of Daehyun, eyes rimmed in red, clinging onto Dongho, who usually appears as carefree as ever but on rare occasions he’ll be looking at Dae with the most concerned eyes Minsoo’s ever seen. And then there’s Minsoo, who always looks angry or disappointed or artificially cheerful to the point that fans ask if he’s okay.

When Manager Park does pick them up, he waits for them to settle in their seats before clearing his throat.

“Jaewon’s memorial is in three days. Someone else was supposed to tell you, but most of the staff got caught up in questioning.”

“Thank you for letting us know,” Minsoo replies.

_God, he’s really gone._


	3. another subtraction

It’s cold outside. Minsoo knows why the memorial service is public, he can see the crowds of fans on the sidewalk. But still, he wishes it were inside.

Maybe then he wouldn’t be so mad about Dongho and Daehyun being late. They were supposed to arrive nearly an hour ago, but the car hasn’t pulled up yet and Minsoo can see the staff whispering amongst themselves.

Aside from the cold, it’s beautiful. The cherry blossoms started blooming, and the memorial for Jaewon is already covered in flowers. Red ones, the same color as his hair. Fans had been dropping bouquets off since five in the morning, Minsoo had heard.

He had placed a bouquet next to the framed photo of Jaewon right after he arrived. It was all so false, really. Everything from the clothes he was wearing to the way he was acting were planned out. He just played the part.

Manager Park walks over, and starts waving him towards the car.

Minsoo frowns. “Daehyun and Dongho aren’t here yet. Why are we leaving?”

He gets no response. Groaning, he follows after his manager. He’s supposed to be the leader, he’s supposed to pay respects to Jaewon, and yet he’s being dragged to the car and driven away.

“What’s going on?”

Still, no response.

“Hey, I’m talking to you. Where are you taking me.”

“I’m just following orders from the higher-ups.”

“You mean the CEO? Why’d he want me to leave? Dongho and Daehyun never showed up- where are they, anyway?”

“Minsoo, please just buckle your seatbelt.”

“No! Tell me where they are! You’re acting weird, like when you called-“ Minsoo’s breath gets knocked out of his lungs. Park’s acting like how he did on that phone call about Jaewon’s suicide. “No, no... they’re both doing fine, neither of them would try to... to...”

“They aren’t dead,” Park interjects.

“Then where are they!?” Minsoo knows he’s acting hysterical. But god, they’re all he has left.

Manager Park doesn’t even flinch at Minsoo’s raised voice. “I’m taking you to the hospital. Please just buckle your seatbelt.” He’s frighteningly emotionless.

Minsoo buckles his seatbelt.

After checking in the rear view mirror, Park clears his throat. “I was just informed that the company car collided with a van on the way here. It was one of Jaewon’s saesangs, a girl named Sohee. She was trying to die.”

“But she survived?”

“She’s in police custody. You don’t need to worry about her.”

“So Dongho and Daehyun are in the hospital?”

“Yes. You’re going to have to wait before you can see them.”

“So... they’re gonna make it?”

Manager Park once again went silent.

———

The press are already clamoring outside the hospital when Minsoo arrives. It’s pure chaos, even with police officers trying to control the crowd. An officer signals for Minsoo to open the car door. The moment he does, cameras start flashing and questions are hurled at him from every side. Two officers guide him to the door, blocking him from view, and he’s somewhat thankful.

The press are bloodthirsty. If he didn’t show up, they’d rip him to shreds for not caring about the only two living members he has left. Even though he did, they’ll still criticize him. That’s just the reality of living in the limelight.

Minsoo’s lead to a waiting room by the officers escorting him. Compared to the others sat in the plastic chairs, he’s horribly out of place, far too formal in his suit. He’s the only one already mourning a loss.

It takes a while- nearly 30 minutes- before Manager Park sits in the chair next to Minsoo.

After that, it’s a matter of waiting. Minsoo isn’t good at waiting. He fidgets with his fingers, with his necklace, his phone grip, the buttons on his jacket. He lets the dulled audio from some news channel drift in one ear and out the other. Nothing stick in his brain, the words being forgotten the moment he processes them.

Finally, a nurse bustles over to them. “Mr. Park?”

“That’s me.”

“Alright, you two follow me.”

They’re led down the corridors and up an elevator and through more corridors until they’ve reached an office that looks an awful lot like a small waiting room.

The nurse gestures for them to sit down, and she disappears back through the door, closing it behind her.

Minsoo groans. “Can’t they just tell us what’s going on?”

———

It’s another hour before a doctor opens the door.

“Mr.Park, I’m assuming. And Lee Minsoo?”

“Yup! How’re Daehyun and Dongho?” Minsoo’s overly optimistic, his anxiety bubbling up and making everything he does ten times more extreme.

The door closes with an audible thunk and the doctor takes a seat across from Minsoo. “I’m very sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but Daehyun didn’t make it. He passed shortly after arriving here.”

Manager Park buries his head in his hands. Minsoo can only stare blankly. “What about Dongho?”

“He’s in... stable condition. For now. I’m assuming you’d like to see him?”

Minsoo nods mutely, the news pinging around in his brain like a pingpong ball.

Daehyun’s dead. Both of his dongsaengs are dead.

Dongho’s all he’s got.

He follows the doctor down more hallways, Manager Park following behind him. They all seem to blend together, all just corridors full of doorways. Finally, they reach room 682 and the doctor nods at Minsoo.

“Go ahead. I’ll stay here to talk with your manager.”

Minsoo peaks in the doorway. Dongho’s unconscious, a cluster of machines beeping behind him. It’s far too obvious that he isn’t just sleeping.

Manager Park pats his shoulder. “I’ll be waiting outside, Minsoo.”

Slowly, Minsoo walks over to sit in the chair next to his bed. It isn’t even a comfortable chair.

Dongho’s hair is a mess. Minsoo wants to reach out and neaten it, but there are bandages wrapped around Dongho’s head, and he doesn’t want to disturb any injuries Dongho has. Minsoo settles for holding Dongho’s hand instead.

“Hey. You’re going to pull through. You always do. I have known you for far too long, Dongho, since before anyone else was a trainee. It was just us. Every evaluation, you’d manage to go beyond what you did the month before. You do it every comeback now. It’s honestly amazing.”

There’s a brace snapped around Dongho’s neck. He isn’t wearing the necklace. It’s just sitting on the side table, and Minsoo doesn’t hesitate to place it in his pocket for safe keeping.

“I’ll keep your necklace safe until you get that brace off, okay hyung? Dae and Jae are still wearing theirs, it’s only fair we do the same.”

Outside the room, Minsoo can hear small chunks of people conversing softly, seemingly about Dongho.

“We’re just keeping him comfortable.....”

“There’s not a chance.....”

“.....not going to wake up.”

_I wasn’t supposed to hear that._

Slowly, Minsoo leans across the edge of the bed to place his head on Dongho’s shoulder. He smells like antiseptic and hospital, nothing like his usual cologne.

“Please don’t leave me, too.” It’s a whispered plea, the closest Minsoo dares get to crying.

All he gets in response is the beep of machines.


	4. and then there was one

It's 9:57 pm and Minsoo's still sitting on the couch in the dorm living room. He's still wearing the suit, Dongho's necklace is still in his pocket. He still hasn't cried.

At 4:02 pm that afternoon, Dongho had passed away. At 4:02 pm, Minsoo became the only member of MAYHEM.

_It's not real. I'm going to wake up and they'll all be fine._

The news hasn't reached the fans yet. Ever so graciously, the company offered to give Minsoo an evening to process everything before dropping an official statement the next morning.

Still, it doesn't feel real.

———

He's still awake when the official announcement is released.

Fans are horrified. It was one thing with Jaewon, when MAYHEM would still be left with three members. But now it's just Minsoo. People are asking about the comeback, about if the album will still drop- it's MAYHEM's first full album, after all.

Minsoo doesn't have an answer.

———

High Class pulls the same shit they did when Jaewon died.

Everyday, Minsoo wakes up at 7 in the morning on the living room, pulls on whatever clothing he can find in his room that's clean and doesn't belong to Dongho, and gets driven to the company building for a day full of meetings.

They all blur together in his mind.

One moment he's discussing the memorial service, planning the date around Jaewon's funeral in Daegu and Daehyun's in Seoul (he can't make it to Dongho's, since the Kangs insisted on bringing Dongho back to the states) and making sure that his travel dates don't interfere with anything.

The next, he's arguing for the comeback to happen despite being the only member of MAYHEM left. It doesn't matter to Minsoo, though. It's their first full album, and the others were anticipating the release. Doesn't it just make sense to drop the album still?

When he does get breaks between meetings, Minsoo goes to MAYHEM's practice room. He curls up on the cushioned bench along the wall, and scrolls through his phone. It's impossible to ignore the weight of a second necklace on his neck, the dangling pendant that doesn't belong to him.

He doesn't have time to miss Dongho, though.

Even without the other three, Minsoo still has to be a leader. He’s one of the only major employees left who wasn’t involved in some way with Jaewon’s false scandals, and isn’t under investigation by the police.

So, naturally, it’s fallen to him to help make decisions for the company. Such as the future of High Class Entertainment.

To put it simply, there is no future for High Class. All but one artist is dead, the CEO and most of the high-clearance staff are undergoing criminal investigations, and the company’s name is forever blemished.

All that can happen is the company getting bought out. There are seemingly hundreds of propositions that Minsoo’s expected to look through, everything from rich investors looking for something to sink their money into to major companies looking to acquire a new building.

It gives Minsoo a headache just thinking about it.

———

It’s earlier than normal when Minsoo’s dropped back at the dorm. Quieter, too. It’s been quieter for a while, though. Ever since Jaewon died.

Blankly, Minsoo toes off his shoes and drifts to the kitchen. Daehyun’s parents had insisted on filling the fridge with food, trying to make it somewhat easier for Minsoo to cope with everything. It’s good, home-cooked stuff. Kimchi and seaweed soup bases, japchae, bulgolgi, and assorted dumplings are all stored on the shelves, and there’s always instant noodles hidden away in one of the kitchen cabinets.

Jaewon always made sure to have instant noodles in the house.

Minsoo’s too tired to do much other than warm up some of the kimchi soup and make noodles. It’s maybe not the best dinner, but it’s food.

There’s a drama rerun playing on TV. Really, it’s just background noise, something to make the dorm feel a little less dead.

_I think dongho mentioned watching this. He might have._

His head hurts too much to remember.

But he’s got nothing else to do except sit on the sofa, eat his food, and watch TV until everything blurs together from how bad his headache is.

Minsoo takes his bowl to the kitchen and sets it in the sink to wash later, and then, head still pounding, he heads to the bathroom.

Tiredly, he takes three advil and heads to his room to pull on the first hoodie he finds and crash into bed.

God he’s exhausted.

———

His headache’s gone when he wakes up. Minsoo keeps his eyes shut, relishing in the warm, peaceful silence.

It takes him far too long to realize something’s off.

He’s practically drowning in soft fabric, and he’s hugging something (a plushie?) and everything smells like expensive cologne and rich and piney and-

His eyes flash open to see the bottom of a bunk bed.

_I fell asleep in Dongho’s bed._

All he can do is stare for a moment, arms still clutching onto the cat plushie, trying so hard not to breath in the scent that so clearly screams Dongho.

Stiffly, Minsoo sits up, setting the plushie down, and slides out from under the blankets. He tugs them back the way Dongho always leaves them, perfectly made and practically wrinkle free.

Things aren’t much better when he looks in the mirror. Dongho’s hoodie is massive on him, the hem falling down to the middle of his thighs, hands covered by the sleeves. And god he wishes his brain didn’t supply him with the thought that maybe, maybe if he wasn’t such a coward, hadn’t ever been a coward, maybe he could have experienced this under different circumstances.

Maybe he could have been Dongho’s boyfriend.

Minsoo yanks off the hoodie and throws it into the pile of Dongho’s folded clothes sitting next to his dresser. It’s colder without the soft warmth of the hoodie, but he can’t stand to look at it any longer.

Minsoo grabs one of his own hoodies, a plain navy-blue one, and walks out of the room.

———

As usual, Minsoo’s day is full of meetings.

First, there’s a meeting about the situation with the CEO. The charges against him - physical abuse against an employee and manipulation of the press - aren’t pretty, and those are just the ones the police can verify are, in fact, true.

There’s a short break before Minsoo’s sitting through another meeting about the memorial service being held for the other three. He’s there to finalize decisions on photos, on flowers, even on the small candles that will sit next to the photo frames. It makes his head hurt.

He’s given a break for lunch, which he spends, as usual, curled up on the bench in MAYHEM’s practice room scrolling through twitter.

Then there’s a meeting about the comeback. The company still wants to wait, at least until a few weeks after the memorial service. Minsoo refuses. They’ll put the comeback on its original delayed date, and that’ll be that. After all, if they wait too long the company may be gone.

There’s one last meeting before he’s allowed to leave. It’s about the business propositions sent by other companies, and how many will be sending representatives of some sort the next day for a meeting.

The very thought of a meeting with business reps makes Minsoo want to bang his head into the table. It’s going to take far too long to get anything done, and they’ll all act like they know better than he does. All just to buy a failing company with a dead group.

He has to be a good leader, though. He has to sit straight and not snap at anyone. He has to show the world what High Class is made of, what MAYEHM is made of.

Minsoo has to be the leader he should have been months ago.


	5. sign away my memories

Suits, Minsoo thinks, are one of the most obnoxious outfits to exist. He's expected to dress nicely for the meeting with other company representatives, to show that just because High Class is literally crumbling it doesn't mean they can't live up to their name or whatever.

He owns a couple of suits. They're for special events, mostly designer pieces, and they're horribly itchy and still smell like a department store. The dress shirts are the worst, though. Scratchy, starched fabric buttoned up to his neck, and they always feel ever so slightly too tight.

Frustrated, he throws the fifth white button up in a pile on his desk chair. The only ones he's got left in his closet are tan, or coffee colored, or grey, none of which considered to be proper business attire.

Dongho's button ups are still hanging on the rack in his closet.

It's the only option he really has left, and so Minsoo pulls one off it's hanger, slipping it on his arms. As expected, it's big on him, and once fully buttoned up and tucked into his slacks, Minsoo doesn't mind it. The collar, even when fully buttoned, isn't tight around his neck, and the sleeves puff out a bit around his arms. It looks good on him.

Even if it didn't, Minsoo knows he would still end up wearing it. All of his own shirts are too stuffy, and he refuses to go into the maknaes' room to borrow one of their shirts. Dongho's a business man, too. Maybe wearing his shirt will help with the meeting.

Minsoo won't admit why he really loves the shirt. It's big, and softer than his own, and smells like pine and the weirdly expensive cologne Dongho always wore for performances. He misses Dongho, so so much.

Sighing, Minsoo tugs his blazer on, looping his tie around his neck. He'll tie it in the car.

He can hear the tingle of the chains of the necklaces- his and Dongho's- hitting each other under his shirt as he moves through the house. Minsoo grabs a bottle of cold brew from the fridge, and sits at the kitchen table to read through his twitter feed.

———

The meeting's almost more tedious than Minsoo expected.

All of the company propositions belong to three respective groups: those who want the building, those who want Minsoo, and those who want both.

Most of the companies looking to buy the building are much smaller, usually with one group and maybe a soloist or two. Those are some of the cheaper offers, but Minsoo still feels some respect for them. After all, High Class is, technically, a small company, just with a big building.

The other few offers for the building are from bigger companies looking to expand. They all want the building for extra practice rooms, for hosting auditions and the like. Those offers are for huge sums of money, enough that it could probably pay off whatever debts High Class has and have thousands to spare.

Then there are the offers just for MAYHEM. Again, both small and larger companies have proposed various contracts. Minsoo doesn't care much for them. They're all just after Minsoo's reputation, none of them actually interested in whatever talent the leader does have.

The offers to take everything are almost dizzyingly large, prices in the millions. No combination of the first two kinds can even add up to being close to these offers. And that’s what pains Minsoo to see.

There’s only three offers that are all encompassing. And yet there’s still one that’s obviously superior to the others. All of High Class’s employees will get transferred to the new company, they’ll keep their jobs. Minsoo will join one of the existing boy groups, he’ll get to be a co-leader. It’s perfect. And yet it’s so so so horrible.

After all, it’s XR that’s submitted the proposal. The same XR Minsung is signed under. And Minsoo’s going to get prettied up and made into a perfect soft flower boy and shoved into SA1NT and forced to lead alongside his brother.

Minsoo loathes the idea of it. He’s just going to get pitied and babied by Minsung, shoved back into the older’s shadow and really, he only managed to escape it for a year.

But that’s what’s good for the company, for everyone else working at High Class. Minsoo knows that. Everyone in the meeting room knows that.

And so Minsoo just nods, accepts the terms, signs his life away for the second time in his life, but this time to the company he’d wanted back when he was young and innocent and still had so many dreams that hadn’t been crushed or stolen yet.

He signs away the building, and with it his memories. Memories of practicing by himself in the big, cold practice rooms because he was the only trainee, memories of running around the building with Dongho to hide from the managers, memories of laying on the floor of Dongho’s studio and singing, Dongho playing piano and Daehyun playing his guitar, memories of the four of them- dongho and minsoo and jaewon and daehyun - sprawled out in the break room, muscles aching but excitement buzzing in their veins because they were going to debut.

Maybe he’s glad that he hasn’t fully processed everything that’s happening as he walks down the long, cold hallway lined with MAYHEM’s albums and posters. He’s numb enough not to even feel anything as he stares at one photo, the one from their debut album.

Daehyun still looks so young in it, and Jaewon’s got a light in his eyes that Minsoo hasn’t see in such a long time, and Dongho’s alive-

Minsoo squeezes his eyes shut and sighs, walking down the hallway to where MAYHEM’s- his manager waits.

Manager Park pats Minsoo on the shoulder. “You’re doing great, Minsoo.”

“...Thank you.”

God, Minsoo’s glad that Manager Park’s coming to XR with him. At least there will be someone familiar there who he doesn’t hate.

He’s walking through the company building on autopilot now, not really seeing the company reps walking by him.

It’s not real.

It can’t be real.

He’s just going to wake up eventually.

Right?


	6. only left with memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back :D

It's nice to have a break from the mind-numbingly stagnant routine Minsoo had fallen into. Even if that break is going to Daegu for Jaewon's funeral.

Jaewon's mom apologized profusely for the delay in getting it arranged. Minsoo told her not to worry, he'd been very busy and the date she had chosen was perfect.

The train ride to Daegu is nice, though. Minsoo chose an early train, and he gets to watch the sun slowly shine watery light through the windows as they approach the city. MAYHEM had made loose plans to go to Daegu for a fansign around Christmas, and Jaewon had been so excited about the possibility of getting to introduce the others to his mom.

Well. Seemed excited.

He was dead two weeks later.

Minsoo sighs, ignoring the missed calls from his parents, and taps on a mobile game. He's been too busy to game recently. A train ride's the perfect time to relax a bit, not like there's much else to do.

———

His hotel room's decently sized, crisp white sheets on the bed and funky modern art on the walls. He's not going to be staying long, just using it to change for the funeral and then to change back before his 9pm train back to Seoul. Still, it's nice.

Minsoo's somewhat happy to flop onto the bed in a patch of sunlight. Here, it doesn't feel weird for him to be the only one. Here, the room's not full of memories of dead friends.

Here, the only things in the room are him, his backpack, and his carry-on suitcase. Nothing belonging to the others. Jaewon's shark plushie isn't sitting on the couch, Daehyun's guitar isn't propped up in the corner, Dongho's old laptop that has at least ten different things plugged into it isn't on the table like it is back at the dorm.

He doesn't feel anything, really. Minsoo's not sure if he's happy about that or not.

———

Minsoo hates suits. He also knows that Jaewon hates- _hated._ \- suits, and it just feels like some sort of insult to wear one to Jaewon's funeral.

Sure, it's the proper way to dress, but it's also the most uncomfortable. The stiff, starched fabric of Minsoo's collar itches his neck, and his jacket is not warm enough for the early spring weather.

There's a lot of people that Minsoo doesn't know, a girl with pink hair sitting next to Mrs. Ahn, more people who logically have to be friends or relatives or someone Jaewon knew.

And then there's him. MAYHEM's failure of a leader, who couldn't even manage to notice that something was wrong with one of _his_ group members.

Minsoo tries not to look at the smiling picture of Jaewon placed near the casket- closed, of course. It just sends fresh waves of guilt running through his body, and he _hates_ it.

People are slowly trickling up on stage to give speeches. One of Jaewon's teachers, another old friend, relatives, and then, Minsoo knows, it's his turn.

His shoes feel like lead as he walks somberly to stand next to the casket, opposite the framed photo. Minsoo sighs, turning to face the crowd.

"I'll be honest, I never got to know Jaewon as well as I should have. I've known him since he was 17. And I wish I had even tried to get closer to him. I wish we had spent time with each other outside of practice or schedules. I wish I hadn't just seen him as a stranger..."

Minsoo clears his throat. He can feel his eyes stinging, but he refuses to cry.

"I was the leader of our group. I should have noticed when something was wrong. I... I should have known that the person in the news wasn't real. Because Jaewon was nothing like that. He was... he was sweet, and understanding, even for people he never should have cared about, and... he didn't deserve it. Any of it."

There's a quiet murmur of agreement from the others in attendance, and Minsoo freezes, words trapped in his throat.

_i can't cry not now not here i have to stay strong i-_

Carefully, Minsoo turns, placing a gentle hand on the gleaming white casket. "I'm sorry, Jaewon. I'm so sorry."

———

Train rides are worse when it's dark outside, Minsoo decides. He can't watch the scenery flash by, his phone's too bright in the eerie darkness, it's impossible to tell if there's something on the tracks or if something's going to hit the train or if-

Minsoo lets out a shaking breath, plugging his earbuds in. Music. He needs music. Anything to distract from the way that he still can't get the image of Jaewon's casket out of his head and Daehyun's funeral is in the morning and there's a memorial for all three of them the day after that and the contract with XR-

_why can't i just shut my brain_ **_off_ ** _._

It's dark, and yet Minsoo squeezes his eyes shut, music blaring in his ears in a hopeless attempt to wipe his mind black, just for a bit.

He knows it's too loud. He doesn't care.

———

"Daehyun was 13 when I met him. He had so many dreams, all about becoming an idol and making the best songs he could. Still had them once we debuted, too. 7 years later, and he still had the same dreams. Still was the same as when he joined the company, just... cheerful and excitable. He was one of my closest friends."

Daehyun's funeral isn't much different from Jaewon's. His family's all there, and there's still a smiling photo of him (Daehyun, this time.) and the casket's still closed and Minsoo still has to wear a suit. This funeral is outside, though, in some tranquil cemetery that Minsoo didn't know even existed, and Daehyun's casket is shining in the sun, lacquered light wood almost glowing.

"I hope some of your dreams came true, Dae. I wish more of them could have."

Minsoo walks back to his seat. His eyes sting. He won't cry.

———

The memorial for Dongho, Daehyun and Jaewon closes down two streets. There's so many people. Minsoo knows not all of them are fans, and quietly, he feels a bit sorry for them.

When he finally steps out of the company car, it causes a hushed commotion within the crowd.

He knows he doesn't look the best. He knows that his roots are growing out and that there are bags under his eyes and that he's wearing a hoodie under a nice jacket (Dongho's jacket) in an attempt to look put together, but it really doesn't work right.

It's quiet when he reaches the front of High Class, where the photos are set up, candles lit, flowers splayed out across the sidewalk. There's the golden tulips and sky-blue foxgloves for Daehyun, the dark-purple-red-almost-black roses for Dongho, the cherry-coloured roses and deep, emerald green ivy and pure white lilies for Jaewon.

Minsoo kneels carefully to set his own flowers down. Forget-me-nots. Snow white, because the florist didn't have purple. They stand out drastically against the other bright flowers, but Minsoo places them there anyway. 

He doubts he could ever forget about them. Not with the weight of a necklace that doesn't belong to him around his neck.

He stays kneeling for a moment, then two.

_I'm sorry for failing you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for disappearing for a while! after the winter whump series, i needed a bit of a break, so i took the month of january off :D
> 
> but!! i am back now!!! and i am mentally doing better now!!! 
> 
> i cannot say the same for minsoo, but oh well, that's just how the cookie crumbles.


	7. square 1

XR has standards, Minsoo's told. High standards. And even though he's signed most of the papers to sell High Class and MAYHEM to XR, they still won't let him in unless he passes the audition.

That's how he winds up standing outside the apartment complex at 11am, waiting for the company van that, as expected from XR, is right on time.

When the door slides open, Minsoo can clearly see it's nothing like what High Class has. XR's van is silver, black leather upholstery on the seats. There's even USB ports next to the cupholders, and what looks like a cooler. There's curtains for the windows, too.

"You're Lee Minsoo?" The driver's a younger guy, probably in his early thirties.

"Yes. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr..."

"Kim. I'm just the driver for today, you probably won't see me around too much after this."

"Ah. It's nice to meet you anyway, Mr. Kim."

It's the first rule of being a trainee that Minsoo learned back when he joined High Class ten years ago: the more polite, the better. Treat all the staff with as much respect as possible.

He doesn't mind it too much: the excessive thank yous, the bowing, not having to question anything the higher ups do. The rules have been beaten into his brain since he was in middle school, it's second nature to him and only makes it that much easier to drift through his days without having to mentally be there.

Mr. Kim's quiet. He doesn't talk unless he needs to, and he listens to lofi. Minsoo likes him. The drive to XR Entertainment passes by quickly, despite the distance from MAYHEM's dorm.

"I'll be picking you up here at 3pm. Any questions?"

"No, Mr. Kim. Thank you for driving me."

"It's no big deal, Minsoo. The lady up there's waiting for you." He points to the chrome-framed doors of the company building. Sure enough, a woman with sleek deep-indigo hair is standing there, clipboard in hand.

Minsoo waves goodbye to Mr. Kim and heads up the steps to the entrance.

The woman smiles brightly at him. "Good morning, Minsoo. My name's Chaeho, I'm going to be showing you around XR today!"

Minsoo gives a small bow. "It's nice to meet you, Chaeho-noona."

"Well, if you'll follow me this way I can begin the tour!"

XR is, to put it simply, expensive. The whole building's chrome and glass, and the lobby's floors are pure white marble.

"The bottom floor mostly has stuff for visitors to the company to see. The gift shop's to the left, there, and the cafe's on the right. There's a museum in the back, too."

"Is the first floor off limits to artists, then?"

"Nope! You guys get free food at the cafe, and also at the company cafeteria- that's on the fourth floor, though."

"Oh. That's cool."

"To get to the other floors you need to have a company keycard, just so you know," Chaeho says, walking towards the front desk of XR. She suddenly takes a sharp right, and Minsoo hurries to catch up to her as she struts down the hallway towards a door marked 'Employees Only.'"

They push through it into a second lobby, obviously set up for employees to check in at the desk before heading to their jobs. Chaeho simply waves her lanyard at the security guard and Minsoo follows after her to the elevators.

"Should we head to the fourth floor? Two and three are just offices, nothing special there."

"...sure?"

Chaeho grins, and presses the "up" button on the wall. One set of doors slides open quickly, and her heels tap against the tile and metal.

Faintly, Minsoo recognizes the song playing over the speakers to be one of SA1NT's, and he just sighs.

He gave up on his dream of debuting under XR a long time ago. He doesn't necessarily even want to be here. But it's the best option for High Class. He knows this.

The doors open.

And this, Minsoo knows, is the heart of XR.

Employees are bustling through the hallways, carrying papers and boxes or talking to each other, coffee in hand. Some walk down hallways that Minsoo's sure lead to offices, but he doesn't bother to check.

Chaeho leads him down another marble-floored hallway, pointing out a large set of doors as they walk past. "That's the cafeteria! There's another one on the 7th floor just for trainees, but they can eat down here too."

They continue down the hallway, finally reaching an alcove with benches—and another elevator.

"It's probably about time I got you to the waiting room, isn't it," Chaeho muses. "There's quite a few before you, but-"

"Wait, I thought this was just the CEO or someone watching me audition, not an actual... not a re-audition, I've already done that?"

"Ah, apologies if it wasn't made clear. You're in an audition with the second round candidates from XR's last public auditions! The only difference is that if you pass, you'll be joining a group right away, they'll all be training for a while."

"Oh..." Minsoo bites his lip, glad that his face mask hides it. "...the waiting room's just with... all the other candidates?"

Chaeho nods, flipping through papers on her clipboard. "Yes. Is that an issue?"

"...I don't want it to get leaked. That I'm coming here. There's supposed to be an official announcement, about High Class and all that stuff, I've been trying to handle all that, and-"

"None of them are allowed phones. They're all checked at the door, metal detectors and all. As long as you keep your hat and mask on, and your phone in your bag, it should be fine." Chaeho finishes flipping through papers, and walks over to press the "up" button for the elevator. Her heels click the whole way to the door.

Her words, her tone—they all remind Minsoo of the harsh reality of this whole situation. He's practically buying his way into XR. It's guaranteed that he's going to pass the audition, anyway—8 years of training and 2 years of promotions have to be enough, don't they?

As the doors slide open and he's herded inside the elevator, Minsoo tries to shrink more into himself. Tries to let his limp, outgrown purple—it's more of a lavender now. Too pale to be purple—hair hang in his eyes, tries to let his bucket hat cover his hair, tries to let his mask cover his face, and yet he still knows anyone can see his eyes, the poorly-concealed dark circles under them, the exhaustion practically engrained in his bones.

This elevator's quiet, no sickly-sweet music dancing its way into Minsoo's brain, and he remembers why he keeps music playing at the dorm, why there's always drama reruns playing on the TV, even through the night—he hates when it's quiet. It lets his brain get too loud, and that's the _last_ thing he needs now, right before the audition that decides his future.

He digs his nails into his thigh. It hurts, even through his jeans, but that's what he needs. Something to ground him.

He's never been so happy to step out into unknown territory. At least here, there's the quiet muttering of staff in the hallways, and when he reaches the waiting room, the conversations between the other candidates that he can't quite hear right.

Chaeho passes him his nametag—"Lee M."—and gives a brief nod before leaving.

Minsoo slips it on over his hoodie—a navy blue one, a gift from Dongho—and heads to an open chair in the corner, immediately curling his knees to his chest like a few others are doing. It makes him look younger, he supposes. Makes him blend in with the actual candidates, all teenagers, and then there's him. 26 years old and already having trained for 8 years and been debuted for 2 and—

he really didn't pass his audition, did he. He used Minsung.

He'll pass it by himself, this time.

Minsoo reaches up to tug at the necklaces around his neck. His and Dongho's.

_I won't really be alone, after all._

———

Minsoo steps out onto the stage, and he looks pathetically tiny. He looks like he's given up already.

Still, the music comes on and—oh, that's MAYHEM's music. From their newest album, the one that dropped only a day ago.

Minsung would recognize it anywhere. He leans further down on the railing of the auditorium balcony, eyes trained on his little brother dancing his way through choreography that never will truly be performed.

Minsoo has to make it in. He _has_ to.

It's painfully obvious that he's tired, even from across the auditorium, and Minsung knows better than anyone that being part of SA1NT won't really help that— but at least he won't be alone.

"...That's him, isn't it?" Kyunghun leans into Minsung's shoulder a bit, sleepy eyes blinking at the figure dancing under the blinding lights.

"That's Minsoo," Minsung says, balling up his white beanie in one hand. "He's going to be our new member."


	8. pictures of the past

He's tired. Bone-achingly tired.

The seats in the van- XR's, of course- are much more comfortable than he could have imagined car seats being, but then again, he's tired. Minsoo blinks a bit, trying to clear the fog from his brain, but it lingers.

Mr. Kim's driving, as he promised he would in the morning, and there's still lofi music playing from the audio system.

Minsoo tugs up one of his sleeves a bit, eyes locking on the red crescent-moons left behind by his nails. He's never gotten like _this_ before. Well, not without Dongho being there to talk him out of doing anything too stupid.

He slides his sleeve back down and blinks again. The fog stays. He leans back against the cushioned seat he's in and closes his eyes.

He's tired. He can rest for a bit.

———

"Minsoo-ssi? We're at your dorm."

Minsoo blinks sleepily, warm in the late afternoon sunshine that's beaming through the window. He's still in the van.

"Ah, thank you Mr. Kim."

"No problem. Have a good evening, alright?"

Hopping out of the van, Minsoo gives a swift nod and waves farewell to Mr. Kim. By the time he reaches the front door of their— _his._ apartment complex, the van's gone.

The hallway's quiet—normal— and dim—also normal— and clean—not normal. Minsoo blinks (the fog's still there) and sure enough, the usually dingy floor is a crisp grey tile that he's never seen properly like this.

He's had enough change.

Minsoo hurries through the halls to their— _his_. dorm and unlocks the door with trembling hands. There's still reruns playing on the TV, and he left a vinyl playing on Dongho's record player.

He locks the door behind him— _deadbolt, latch, chain—_ and finally slips his sneakers off, backpack sliding off his tired shoulders.

He's safe here. Nothing's going to change here. It's the same as he left it, it's going to be the same tomorrow.

Minsoo pulls his hat and mask off, setting them on the table, and runs a hand through his hair.

_I should shower. Maybe do a vlive later. Album unboxing._

———

The water's hot on his skin, and it pounds like rain on the tile, and his phone's playing music from the bathroom counter, plugged into a powerbank.

Minsoo tugs his fingers through his wet hair, wincing a bit when they catch on a knot of some sort. His hair didn't tangle when he was younger, but now that it's been fried with bleach and hair dye and almost-daily heat styling, it's just normal. Normal for it to tangle and knot and fall out easily.

He pulls his hand back and sure enough, pale purple hairs cling to his fingers, stringing in between them like spider webbing. As usual, he just sticks his hand under the stream of hot water and lets it drag the strands down the drain.

Minsoo really should get out of the shower. He's washed his hair and scrubbed all the sweat from his body and now he's just standing under the hot water, letting it almost scald his skin. It's nice, though. Warm and loud, but a good loud, and it doesn't feel wrong that he's alone.

And then the water starts to dip in temperature and he hurries to turn it off. He hates the cold.

The towels hanging on the rack are big and soft, but they're nowhere as warm as the water was. The air feels cold enough that Minsoo shivers a bit, pulling his towel tighter around his shoulders.

He hates the cold.

———

He's warmer once he's dried off and pulled on a hoodie— a red one of Dongho's— but his damp hair still hangs limply and there's the bags under his eyes and _i'm doing a vlive tonight, i should look decent._

Minsoo just sighs a bit, heading back to the bathroom to blowdry his hair. He knows it'll make his hair fluffier than usual, but he doesn't care too much.

The tube of concealer he used in the morning still sits on the bathroom counter. He knows that _someone_ in the dorm has a proper color-correcting pallet, but he's too tired to look for it. Concealer will suffice.

He just needs to look halfway-decent. It's just a vlive.

The blowdryer's loud enough to cancel out the sound of the TV and whatever music Minsoo put on, and he does his best to ensure all of his hair is dry. He doesn't usually blowdry his hair. But once it's semi-presentable, he clicks the blowdryer off. Sure, it's a bit damp, but he's tired and it's not like there's anyone in the dorm to notice.

The box of albums— MAYHEM's first full album— sits on the table. Minsoo _knows_ that some are meant for the other members (their families, now) but he doesn't see much of a point in taking those out of the box. Instead, he grabs a protein bar and pulls up Twitter.

"Going live in 15 minutes! @MAYHEM_TV on VLive!"

Within minutes people are replying to it and retweeting it and it almost makes Minsoo dizzy to watch the number tick up second by second.

So he closes Twitter and opens vlive and waits for another 10 minutes to pass by. 

He presses "start."

The view count jumps up astonishingly fast— faster than any other vlive MAYHEM did together— and Minsoo just smiles at the camera.

"...hi, Mayniacs. I missed you all. "  
  
 **we missed you too!!**

**have you been staying healthy?**

**you've been resting, right?**

"Ah..." Minsoo laughs to himself. "I've been pretty busy with stuff at the company. It's not that bad, don't worry. I'm doing well!"

There's a few comments about the background noise. Minsoo looks around a bit— at the TV still playing drama reruns and at Dongho's record player, vinyl still spinning.

"...should I make it quieter? I didn't notice how loud it was... just got used to it, I guess." 

He gets up from the couch to turn down the music, and takes the opportunity to pull the box of albums over.

"That's better, right? I guess we can get started now!"

**what does he mean he got used to it?**

**you're unboxing albums, right?**

**i missed you ;w;**

"Yep! Today's album unboxing day! I've got our newest album here— the company lets us have free ones, if we want any— and I'm gonna open them live." 

Minsoo hauls the box onto the table, tugging at the tape for a few minutes. Finally, it comes undone, and he pulls the top layer of bubble wrap off. It gets thrown somewhere in the room.

"Alright!" Minsoo cheers, and lifts an album out of the box. "Here's— oh. This is Dae-yah's." He stares at it— at the mockingly bright yellow sticky note with Daehyun's name written on it. "...I'll just grab another one."

The second album he grabs has a purple sticky note. Dongho's. Minsoo gives it a sad smile, and sets it aside with Daehyun's album.

The third album's tied to a fourth, and a red sticky note's stuck to the front of it. "Ah... these are Jaewon-ah's. I... I think he got the second one for his mom..."

Minsoo gently sets the stack next to Dongho and Daehyun's. He tries his best to not look too emotional.

"...here are mine. I like to get all the versions, so..." Minsoo hauls a stack of four albums onto his lap, and he carefully places the others back in the box. "Which one should we start with?"

**wonnie got an album for his mom ;-;**

**are you going to keep the other albums?**

**go by number order!!**

""go by number order," ah, that's smart! I'll start with version one, then!"

The plastic wrap comes off smoothly, and Minsoo takes a moment to admire the album— white, with multi-colored butterflies across the front. The inside cover's water patterned, and an orange butterfly rests in the top corner.

"...you've already seen the albums, right? I'm just going to get the photocards out," Minsoo laughs. 

He shakes the album a bit, and the photocards and a folded poster come sliding into his hands.

"Since when were there posters in here?" Minsoo picks it up and unfolds it. "...are you guys putting pictures of shirtless D.Min on your walls?" He folds it back up and sets it aside. "Aish... if I ever posted a shirtless picture, would some of you put it up?" For a moment, he seems to consider the possibility, but then he shakes his head, laughing. "Ah... let's not do that."

The first photocard's one of his own selfies. He laughs when he flips it over, holding it up for the camera. "I don't think I'll be putting this one in my phone case... ah, why'd they choose this photo?"

The second photocard is of Jaewon. It's clearly a posed photo that's _trying_ to look candid, but he's smiling and he looks happy and _alive_.

"...this one's Jaewon-ah. Look— I bet you miss him as much as I do..."

Minsoo stares at it for a while longer, but eventually sets it down next to the poster. "...let's move on to the next album, yeah?"

The other three albums take no time at all. They're lucky, though. Minsoo's ended up with no duplicate photocards: one selfie card of everyone, and one posed card of everyone. The posters, too, were lucky, and the whole set of them sit stacked on the table.

"Well, that was fun! I'm gonna hang out with you guys for a bit longer though, this is nice."

**this is nice! -w-**

**wow, lucky draws! i've got three jaewon selcas ^^;**

**is that dongho's hoodie?**

Minsoo's smile falters for a moment. He plucks at the hoodie, eyes not meeting the camera. 

"Ah... is it? I just grabbed a clean one..."

_lies lies lies lies lies_

Minsoo chose it for a reason. It's Dongho's. It smells like pine and it's huge and soft and he loves it. He loves Dongho.

"Oh well! 's just a hoodie..."

**;-; thats cute**

**are you staying at High Class?**

**is high class really going bankrupt????**

"....High Class isn't going bankrupt, no... there's... gonna be some changes made, though. I can't say much more at the moment." Minsoo tries to smile. He knows it comes off as strained.

**what kind of changes???**

**is there going to be a new group?**

**we'll always remember you as mayhem's leader -w-**

"..."we'll always remember you as mayhem's leader..." I... thank you. I wish I could have done better."

Minsoo sniffs a bit, but tries not to let anyone notice. "...promise me you'll stay with MAYHEM, alright? We're... we're gonna look a bit different, but we'll still be MAYHEM. I promise."

He watches as comments of "i promise!" roll in— hundreds of them— and smiles. "...you guys are the best." He sighs, glancing at the clock. 9 pm. He's not quite sure whether to consider it late or not.  
  
"...I think I'm going to end it here, guys. Thank you for tuning in! I missed you all..."

**we missed you too!!**

**aw, love you -w-**

**bye minsoo!!**

**thank you!! bye bye!!**

Minsoo waves goodbye, and ends the stream. 

He tries not to think about how quiet the dorm feels now.


	9. all that's left is dust

Minsoo can't bother eating.

People are coming to the dorm— the others' families— to pick up the others' belongings. Since the rest of MAYHEM can't pack their stuff up themselves.

Dae's parents are coming around lunchtime, and the Kangs are sending someone a few hours earlier. He hasn't heard from Jaewon's parents.

He can't imagine the dorm without the clutter in it; without Daehyun's bright yellow nintendo switch charging on the tv stand, without Dongho's record player that he found in a thrift store and the stack of vinyls next to it on the bookshelf, without Jaewon's plushies that somehow end up everywhere but his bed.

It makes him sick to think about the dorm being empty. But it's far too easy to remember that he's the only one left, and that until he plays some music it's going to stay dead and silent.

———

_10 am_

Minsoo opens the door to find an older man standing there, formally dressed, holding a sleek box in his arms.

"Hello, Mr. Lee. I'm Jeongmin, I'm here on behalf of the Kangs."

"Please, come in. You can just call me Minsoo."

Jeongmin nods, walking into the dorm. "I'm simply going to grab the heirlooms Dongho had with him. May I ask where his room is?"

"Down this hallway. His room's on the left, and all his stuff should be in the closet."

Jeongmin nods again, heading to Dongho's room with no further conversation, the box still held in his arms.

Minsoo wanders to the kitchen, fidgeting with the water pitcher for a moment. He's not thirsty. He just needs _something_ to do.

Jeongmin returns quickly— to Minsoo's dismay— holding a bag that's much smaller than Minsoo expected in one hand, the box in the other.

He feels a pang of some sort of emotion that he really can't classify. Dongho's own parents, his family, aren't going to take any of _his_ things? They just want the heirlooms, pieces of jewelry that Minsoo has never once seen the older wear.

"Thank you, Minsoo. I believe that's all I need to get from here, but I will let you know if that turns out to be incorrect."

Before he can think about it, Minsoo blurts out, "What's in the box?"

It's silent for a moment. Then Jeongmin clears his throat. "As I'm sure you're aware of by now, the Kangs insist that Dongho's funeral is held in the states. I was sent to bring him home."

And _oh._ Dongho, all 180cm of him, is in that box. Minsoo feels like he's going to be sick, which is really quite stupid. He should have realized that the Kangs would have Dongho cremated. It's much easier to transport an urn rather than a body.

"Oh. That's... Dongho?"

Carefully, Jeongmin sets the box on the table. The clasps are undone and he pulls a rather fitting urn out— sleek black glass, silver hardware attached. Really, it seems far too much like Dongho.

Minsoo's hands are shaking as he does so, but he reaches up and unclasps the second necklace around his neck, Dongho's necklace. The chain wraps twice around the neck of the blown glass and clasps snugly, the silver jeweled pendant hanging daintily against the smooth body of the glass.

"It's Dongho's necklace. He should keep it," Minsoo says. He feels like he needs to explain himself, for some reason.

"Of course. I'll be sure no one takes it."

Minsoo pretends not to notice the pain in Jeongmin's voice.

The clasps are done up again, and then Jeongmin gives a silent farewell to Minsoo. Before he can leave, however, Minsoo shoots into his and Dongho's room, returning with a stack of albums and a still-boxed lightstick balanced on top. "These are Dongho's... if you want to take them."

"Ah. Thank you, Minsoo-yah." Jeongmin takes the albums carefully— so, so carefully— from Minsoo and fits them into a second bag he had brought.

It's fuller than the one of heirlooms.

"...no problem. Have a safe flight to America, Jeongmin-ssi."

Jeongmin nods in response.

The front door closes, and for a moment, the thud that emanates is the only sound in the quiet, quiet dorm.

———

_11:45 am_

The Kims arrive, and with them they bring food.

Mrs. Kim smiles when she sees the stack of empty containers on the kitchen counter— left from the last batch of meals she gave Minsoo. They get loaded into her bag, and once again the fridge is filled.

Minsoo promises her he'll eat once they've left— he won't— and then goes to help them pack Daehyun's things.

The Kims, it seems, remember exactly what clothes Daehyun brought with him. Those get very quickly packed away into boxes. Then his plushies— he gained a number of new ones, so of course the Kims don't remember those— get packed in a second box. They hesitate when it comes to the rest of the clothing, though. It's all newer. They don't remember Daehyun wearing it.

"...it won't hurt anyone to leave it, right...?"

Minsoo shakes his head, carefully placing Daehyun's stuffed chicken in the box next to his plush fox. "You can leave it, if you want."

"Thank you, Minsoo-yah." Mrs. Kim ruffles his hair, then returns to silently folding Daehyun's flannels.

It doesn't take long to load the filled boxes onto the rolling cart Mr. Kim brought. There's one of plushies, and then there's three of clothing, and then a box of other assorted things Daehyun brought with him.

Before the Kims can leave, Minsoo hands them Daehyun's stack of albums, and his lightstick. "Dae-yah told us you already have the albums, but..."

"Thank you." Mr. Kim takes the stack and carefully places it in an empty box. "We... have something that we'd like to give you."

Minsoo furrows his brow, confused, and then Mrs. Kim walks out of Daehyun and Jaewon's room.

She's holding Daehyun's guitar— Tayler.

"Daehyun... he... he always made sure that someone was playing his guitar. And I think he'd be happy to know that you're playing it, now."

Minsoo stares, shocked, as Mrs. Kim hands the guitar to him. The tiny chicken keychain that Daehyun had when they first met is still clipped to the case.

"I-... t-thank you. I'll take good care of it..."

Mr. Kim just nods, pushing the cart towards the door. "I know you will. Thank you, Minsoo-yah. just know we're always a phone call away if you need us, alright?"

Minsoo nods, clutching the guitar case, and waves a silent farewell to the Kims.

The door swings shut.

The dorm's too quiet.

———

_4:55 pm_

Minsoo drums his fingers on the table, scrolling through his phone.

Surely the Ahns will be here soon. Surely.

He never really _met_ Mrs. Ahn, just saw her from across the room at KFest, but she seemed nice.

Minsoo bites his lip. She'll be here soon, won't she?

Just like clockwork, there's a knock at the door.

He pulls the door open to reveal Mrs. Ahn— short grey hair pulled back, wearing a MAYHEM hoodie, red-rimmed eyes— and he smiles softly.

"Hello Minsoo-ssi. Sorry for it being so late-"

"No, no it's fine. Come in, I can make you tea...?"

She smiles and nods, slipping her shoes off as she steps inside. "That'd be nice... thank you, Minsoo-ssi."

"...you can just call me Minsoo. I don't mind."

The dorm's still unbearably quiet. But it's not quite as bad as when he's alone. 

Rather quickly, the silence is shattered by the tea kettle's screeching. 

Minsoo grabs a mug— and then puts it back, because that's _Dongho's_ mug— before deciding on the set of plain black mugs that someone bought when they moved in. 

"...is green tea ok?"

"Of course." 

As Minsoo drops the tea bags into the mugs, he spots Mrs. Ahn gazing out to the balcony. MAYHEM never spent much time on it. Except for Jaewon.

He sets the mugs down on the table carefully, pushing one to Mrs. Ahn. She takes it with a gentle smile.

"I hope you've been doing well, Minsoo. I... I'd imagine you've been busy..."

Minsoo laughs a bit, rubbing the back of his neck. "Ah... yeah. There's... been a lot to deal with at the company. But I'm doing ok!"

"That's good to hear." Mrs. Ahn takes a sip of her tea— Minsoo doubts it's brewed enough yet— and sighs. "You're moving out of the dorm, I'm assuming?"

"I am..." Minsoo takes a sip of his own tea— he was right, it's not brewed enough yet— and frowns at the taste. "I'm... looking at a place right now. 's not too different from the dorm, so..."

Mrs. Ahn just nods, setting her mug down. "We can let this steep more, I think. I don't think it'll take too long to pack Jaewon's things..."

"...probably not. His room's right over here..."

The room's shockingly empty already, and some of what's left— a couple plushies and a few flannels— are Daehyun's, too. 

They work in silence, Mrs. Ahn folding clothes and occasionally asking if what she's holding actually is Jaewon's, and Minsoo grabbing the other things left that belong to Jaewon. A box of such items (jewlery, books, plushies) sits next to the bunk bed as Minsoo fills it.

"...is this Jaewon-ah's?"

Minsoo looks up, expecting to see another hoodie, but instead Mrs. Ahn is holding a color-correcting pallet. The same one he had been looking for just a day ago. 

_that's how i never noticed how tired he was. i should have known i should have noticed how didn't i-_

"I... don't think so," Minsoo says reassuringly. "It's probably Dongho's... Here, I'll take it." 

Mrs. Ahn just nods, handing it to him, and turns back to the almost-empty closet.

Most of the more colorful clothing's packed in boxes— and Minsoo hates that he never saw Jaewon wear most of it outside the dorm— leaving a number of black sweaters and tshirts behind.

"I think some of those are Jaewon's?"

"I thought so. I just... I don't remember him wearing so much black..."

"...if you don't want to take them, it's fine. Dae-yah's parents left some stuff here, too..."

Mrs. Ahn gives a strained smile, setting a folded hoodie into a box. "Ah... thank you, Minsoo. I'm sorry to leave that for you to deal with..."  
  
"Don't worry! It's not too much at all." Minsoo grins, placing a cat plushie into the box. "Ah... let me go get Jaewon-ah's albums..."

He returns quickly, the stack of albums balanced in his arms.

"Oh... Minsoo, I think you accidentally put someone else's in there..."

"No, he got two. One for you, I think..."

Mrs. Ahn stares at the albums for a moment, and then she smiles. Minsoo doesn't say anything about the way her eyes are watering. 

The boxes get taped up, the albums carefully slotted in a box of plushies— there's a few left behind on Jaewon's bed that Minsoo can't remember who they actually belong to, Jaewon or Daehyun— and then that box too gets taped shut. 

It's surprisingly late, close to 6:30 already.

"Are you staying at a hotel?"

Mrs Ahn shakes her head, sliding a stack of boxes into one of the bags she brought. "I'm hoping to take the train back home tonight. Oh... I should probably head to the station soon, shouldn't I..."

"You might want to... the subway stops running at 10 pm." Minsoo slides another stack of boxes into a second bag and passes it to Mrs. Ahn. "Be sure to get dinner at some point, though. I think there's some good places at the station..."

"That's good to know... thank you again, Minsoo." Mrs. Ahn sets her bags down, hesitating for a moment. 

Minsoo's not expecting a hug. 

But Mrs. Ahn hugs him, and he stiffens for a moment.

"...have a safe train ride." 

"I will. Stay safe, Minsoo."  
  
"...I will."

———

  
The moment the door shuts, Minsoo sinks to the floor. They're really gone now, all the things deemed to represent them packed into boxes. It's just him again, just like when he was still trying to find _somewhere_ that would take him as a trainee.

Everything hurts. In his head, at least.

He still can't bring himself to cry.


End file.
